


The Tragedy of Coriolanus: Australian Parliamentary Edition

by ToxicMeddler



Category: Coriolanus - Shakespeare, Political RPF - Australian 20th-21st c.
Genre: AU: Australia, Alternate Universe, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-06
Updated: 2016-03-12
Packaged: 2018-04-30 07:17:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5155085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToxicMeddler/pseuds/ToxicMeddler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>William Shakespeare's Coriolanus is a powerful tale of political strife and social upheaval. It is, however, one of Shakespeare's least popular plays. Thus the "need" to bring it into a modern context to ensure accessibility. </p><p>See Tony Abbott face betrayal, mortal combat and, most uncomfortably, homosexuality. Watch Browynn Bishop play him like a fiddle and use a generous travel allowance. Regard Julie Bishop revealing the secrets of the belly.</p><p>And above all discover the enduring nature politics whether in Shakespeare's era or in the modern day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Act 1: A Biff in Abbott Town.

**The Tragedy of Coriolanus: Australian Parliamentary Edition.**

**Disclaimers:**

This is intended to be a humorous work and should not be taken seriously. No effort has been made to ensure that the various persons that appear in this play are portrayed accurately. 

Furthermore: Shakespeare’s play: « Coriolanus » is in the public domain and is not owned by myself. While much of the text is directly copied from the play, parts of it are modified.

« Taken », J.K Rowling’s « Harry Potter » and other quoted or paraphrased works are owned by other people. No profit is being made by this work.

 

**Dramaticus personae**

**Tony Hockey ABBOTT (Caius Martius Coriolanus)**

Tony was born a simple boy who just wanted to stop the boats, but the years have turned him into a proud warrior and the leader of the dreaded Nationals. Tony will have a tough time ahead him as he faces betrayal, mortal combat and, most uncomfortably: homosexuality. Sweet little Tony is madly in love with Joe Hockey and even took his last name when they married.

Tony by birth, Bishop by ideological adoption, Hockey by marriage and Abbott by conquest.

 **Joe HOCKEY, husband of Tony Hockey (Vigilia, wife of Caius Martius)**  

It’s not gay if there’s money involved says Joe Hockey: the docile, house-husband of Tony Hockey. Joe is really concerned about power prices because he does the ironing commercially and it’s going to go up in price under a Labor government. 

**BRONWYN Bishop, mentor of Tony Abbott (Volumnia, mother of Coriolanus)**

A powerful matriarchal figure who dominates Tony Abbott and forces him to do things that are not necessarily in his best interest. Bronwyn is notable for being the doting mentor of Tony Abbott and for having a generous travel allowance. 

**The POPE (Titus Lartius)**

He had always preached peace but when Canberra asked, The Pope was ready to fight for what was right. Cognizant of the age and capable of good press despite being the head of a Church, The Pope is known as « Your $&@# Holiness » to the enemies of Canberra because of his status of head of the Church.

**John HOWARD (Cominius)**

Former Prime Minister and legendary warrior, John singlehandedly fights off foreign invasions with a waggle of his eyebrows. Enemies of Canberra best watch out lest they be executed- or even worse put on the Tampa. 

**Julie BISHOP (Menenius Agrippa)**

Julie Bishop is a canny political operator with a smooth tongue and masterful metaphors. Don’t speak against the Nationals or this belly will eat you up.

**JULIA Gillard (Sicinius Velutus):**

Deceptive, evil, red headed: Julia is a wily unionist who wants to wants to stick her finger into the power pot of power. She claims she’s just trying to do her best but she’s actually serving her evil masters: the CMPELU (the constructors and manufacturers of plays and engineering of lies UNION). 

**Bill SHORTEN (Junius Brutus)**

Julia’s secret boyfriend, Bill doesn’t do anything of note because he’s outshone by everyone else- which is how he prefers it as it makes it easier to enact his schemes.

 

 **Citizens:**  

Sarah HANSON-YOUNG, Nick XENOPHON, Ricky MUIR, Clive PALMER, Bob DAY, Jacqui LAMBIE, Cathy MCGOWAN and Mike BAIRD.

This rowdy bunch of citizens think they can change the world. They’d best be careful when they play with big kids- otherwise they could get hurt.

 **Christopher PYNE, friend of Joe Hockey. (Valeria, lady-friend of Virgilia.)**  

**Pauline HANSON (Gentlewoman)**

A 'gentlewoman' who makes a short cameo.

 

 **Malcolm TURNBULL, enemy of Tony Hockey Abbott and military leader of Liberals. (Tullius Aufidius, enemy of Coriolanus)** :

Tony Hockey certainly sins in envying the nobility of Malcolm Turnbull: lawyer, banker politician and, perhaps, Tony’s illicit lover. Turnbull is leader of the Liberal party: sworn enemies of Canberra and the Nationals. He is a tenacious foe and a dangerous friend.    

**Greens (Conspirators)**

The dastardly Greens are always plotting to bring down good government and give money to poor people. Some of them have even infiltrated the general Canberran citizenry by posing as university students. Even Bob Brown has been pulled out of retirement to participate in their villainy.

 

**End of Dramaticus Personae**

  

**ACT I**

**SCENE I. Canberra. A street.**

_Enter a company of mutinous Citizens, with petitions, signs, and other weapons_

 

**Sarah Hanson-Young**

Before we proceed any further, hear me speak.

 

**All**

Speak, speak.

 

**Sarah Hanson-Young**

You are all resolved rather to die than to go without high speed broadband?

 

**All**

Resolved. resolved.

 

**Sarah Hanson-Young**

First, you know Tony Hockey is chief enemy to the people.

 

**All**

We know it, we know it.

 

**Sarah Hanson-Young**

Let us kill him, and we’ll have internet at our own price.

Is it a verdict?

 

**All**

No more talking on it; let it be done: away, away!

 

**Nick Xenophon**

One word, good citizens.

 

**Sarah Hanson-Young**

We are accounted poor citizens, the wealthy-good. 

What authority gorges on would relieve us; 

if they would give us but the excess, 

we might guess they relieved us humanely. 

But they think we are too much: the leanness that afflicts us, 

the object of our misery, 

is as an inventory to itemise their abundance; our pain is a gain to them. 

Let us revenge this with a strike before we are struck down by Work Choices: 

for the Lord knows we speak this in hunger for data, not in thirst for revenge.

 

**Nick Xenophon**

Would you especially make libspill against Tony Hockey?

 

**All**

Against him first: he’s a very dog to the Commonwealth.

 

**Nick Xenophon**

Consider you how he stopped the boats for his country?

 

**Sarah Hanson-Young**

Very well; and could be content to give him good

report for it, but that he pays himself with being proud. 

 

**Nick Xenophon**

Fair call mate, but speak not maliciously.

 

**Sarah Hanson-Young**

I say to you, what he has done famously, he did

it to that end: though humble men can be content to say it was for his country,

he did it to please his mentor and partly to be proud; 

which he is, even till the altitude of his virtue.

 

**Nick Xenophon**

What he cannot help in his nature, you account a

vice in him. You must in no way say he is covetous.

 

**Sarah Hanson-Young**

If I must not, I need not be barren of accusations; 

he has faults, with surplus, to tire the nation in repetition.

  _Shouts within_

 

What shouts are these? The other side of the city

is rioting: why stay we preaching here? to the Capitol!

 

**All**

Come on, come.

 

**Sarah Hanson-Young**

Oi! Quiet! who comes here?

 

 _Enter Julie Bishop_  

**Nick Xenophon**

Worthy Julie Bishop; one who has always loved the people.

 

**Sarah Hanson-Young**

She’s honest enough: would all the rest got a fair shake of that bottle!

 

**Julie Bishop**

What is up, team Australia? 

Where do you go with petitions and signs? 

The matter? Speak, I pray you.

 

**Sarah Hanson-Young**

Our business is not unknown to the government; 

they have had inkling in the polls of what we intend to do,

which now we’ll show ‘em in deeds. They say poor suitors have strong breaths: 

they shall know we have strong arms too.

 

**Julie Bishop**

Why, masters, my good friends, mine honest neighbors,

Why will you ruin yourselves?

 

**Sarah Hanson-Young**

We cannot, sir, we are ruined already.

 

**Julie Bishop**

I tell you, friends, advances in science and medical 

Research and public health policies have meant 

That life expectancy for Canberrans is one of the 

highest in the world. For your wants,

Your suffering in this dearth, you may as well

Strike at the heaven with your signs as lift them

Against the Lucky Country, whose course will on

The way it takes, cracking ten thousand years

Of native history asunder more than ever

Appear in your impediment. For the dearth,

The Lord, not the Parliament, makes it, and

Your knees to Him, not arms, must bend. Alas,

You are stolen away by calamity

To where more awaits you, and you slander

The helms of the state, who care for you like fathers,

While you curse them as enemies.

 

**Sarah Hanson-Young**

Care for us! Fair Dinkum! They never cared for us yet: 

Delivering us to budget deficit , but their banks-houses

crammed with cash; making laws for loans, to

support sharks; repealing daily any wholesome act

established against the rich, and providing more

piercing statutes daily, to chain up and restrain

the poor. If the wars don't eat us up, the GST will; 

and there’s all the love they bear for us.

 

**Julie Bishop**

Either you must

Confess yourselves lone-wolf-lefty,

Or be accused of folly. I shall tell you

A pretty tale: it may be you have heard it;

But, since it serves my purpose, I will venture

To invest in it a little more.

 

**Sarah Hanson-Young**

Well, I’ll hear it, ma'am: but you must not think to

fob off our displeasure with a pretty tale of politics in the playground. Yet, if it please

you, deliver.

 

**Julie Bishop**

There was a time when all the body’s members

Rebelled against the shareholders, accused them:

That like a gulf they did remain

In the midst of the corporation, idle and inactive,

Weighing up the cents and dollars, but never bearing the

Good labour with the rest, whereas every one else

Did see and hear, design, instruct, work, build,

And, mutually participating, did contribute

Unto the common good of the corporation.

The shareholders answer’d— With a kind of smile,

For, by my words, I may make the shareholders smile

As well as speak—they tauntingly replied

To the discontented members, the mutinous parts

That envied their reward; just as you malign our government because

it is not like you.

 

**Sarah Hanson-Young**

Your belly’s answer? What be it!

The kingly-crowned CEO, the vigilant CFO,

The counsellor shrink, the receptionist our soldier,

The courrier our leg, human relations our tongue.

With the other organs and union helps

Should this obese belly be restrained?

Should this sink of the body be tamed?

The former agents, if they did complain,

What could the belly answer?

 

**Julie Bishop**

I will tell you

If you’ll bestow a loan—of that which you have little—

Patience, you’ll hear the belly’s answer.

 

**Sarah Hanson-Young**

You're long about it.

 

**Julie Bishop**

Note this, good friends;

Your most grave shareholders were deliberate,

Not rash like their accusers, and so answered:

‘True is it, my incorporate friends,’ said he,

‘That I receive the general profit at first,

Which you do live on; and fair it is,

Because I am the store-house and the shop

Of the whole body;

I trickle the wealth down to every member of the body

Even to the indigenous persons, the women, to the dole bludgers, the youth;

From me they receive that

Whereby they live: and though we cannot all at once

See what I do deliver out to each,

The shareholders can still make the audit up, that all

From me do receive back the dole of all,

And leave us but the imputation credits.’ What say you to it?

 

**Sarah Hanson-Young**

It was an answer: how do you apply this?

 

**Julie Bishop**

The senators of Canberra are these shareholders,

And you the mutinous members; for examine

Their counsels and their cares, digest things rightly

Touching the welfare of the common, you shall find

No public dividend which you receive

No New Start Allowance nor Commonwealth

rent Assistance nor HECS-Help nor anything like 

The above public benefits which you receive

But it comes from them to you 

And in no way from yourselves. What do you think,

You, the great toe of this assembly?

 

**Sarah Hanson-Young**

I the great toe! why the great toe?

 

**Julie Bishop**

For being one of the lowest, basest, poorest,

Of this most wise rebellion, you goes foremost:

you rascal, that art involved in the alternate music

scene and environmental activism.

But make you ready your slogans, signs and petitions, 

With your mouths sprewing multitudinous malarky,

Canberra and her rats are at the point of battle;

Ere long, one side will prevail.

_Enter Tony Hockey_

Hail, noble Hockey!

 

**Tony Hockey**

Thanks. What’s the matter, you dissentious rogues,

That, rubbing the poor itch of your opinion,

Make yourselves scabs?

 

**Sarah Hanson-Young**

We have ever your good word.

 

**Tony Hockey**

He that will give good words to you will flatter

Beneath abhorring. What would you have, you curs,

That like nor peace nor war? one affrights you,

The other makes you proud. He that trusts to you,

Where he should find you lions, finds you hares;

Where foxes, geese: you are no surer, no,

Than is the carbon tax under my reign,

Or solar power from the sun. Your virtue is

To make him worthier whose homosexuality subdues him

And curse that justice did it.

 

Those who deserve greatness

Deserve your hate; and your affections are

A boat man’s appetite, who desires most that

Which would increase his evil. He that depends

Upon your favors, might as well get out a bong

And smoke medical marijuana. Hang ye! Trust Ye?

With every minute you do change a mind,

And call him noble that was your hate,

Him vile that was your Prime Minister. What’s the matter,

That in these several places of the nation

You cry against the noble party room, who,

Under the Almighty God, keep you in awe, which else

Would feed on one another? What’s their seeking?

 

**Julie Bishop**

For internet at their own rates; whereof, they say,

The city is well stored.

 

**Tony Hockey**

Hang ‘em! They say!

They’ll sit by the telly, and presume to know

What’s done in the Parliament; who’s to rise,

Who thrives and who declines; side factions

and give out 

Conjectural marriages; making parties strong

And feebling such as stand not in their liking

Below their ugg boots. They say there’s

data enough!

Would the party room lay aside their pity,

And let me use my Border Force, I’ll make a quarry

With thousands of these miserable taxpayers, as high

As I could reach in opinion polls.

 

**Julie Bishop**

Nah, these are almost thoroughly persuaded;

For though abundantly they lack discretion,

They are but passing cowardly. Yet, I implore you,

What say the other rioters?

 

**Tony Hockey**

They are dissolved: hang ‘em!

They said they were disconnected from the internet;

sigh’d forth proverbs,That boredom broke sovereign borders, 

that even pensioners send emails,

That youtube was made for watching, that the Lord sent not

internet for the rich men only: with these moans

They vented their complainings; which being answer’d,

And a petition granted them, a strange one—

To break the heart of generosity,

And well look, it was a stunt. Let's be upfront about this.

It was a stunt.

 

**Julie Bishop**

What is granted them?

 

**Tony Hockey**

Five union leaders to defend their vulgar wisdoms,

Of their own choice: one’s Bill Shorten,

Julia Gillard, and I know not—‘Sbullshit!

The rabble should have first unroofed the city,

Before so prevailed with me: it will in time

Win power upon power and throw greater themes

Forth for insurrection’s arguing.

 

Go, get you home, you fragments!

 

_Enter Rupert Murdoch (Messenger), hastily_

 

**Rupert Murdoch**

Where’s Tony Hockey?

 

**Tony Hockey**

Here: what’s the matter?

 

**Rupert Murdoch**

The news is, sir, the Liberals are in arms.

 

**Tony Hockey**

I am glad of it: then we shall have means to vent

Our bad opinion. See, our great leaders.

 

_Enter The Pope, John Howard, and other Senators; Bill Shorten and Julia Gillard_

**Eric Abetz**

Hockey, ’tis true that you have lately told us;

The Liberals are in arms.

 

**Tony Hockey**

They have a leader,

Malcolm Turnbull, that will put you to it.

I sin in envying his party room,

And were I any thing but what I am,

I would wish me only he.

 

**The Pope**

You have fought together.

 

**Tony Hockey**

Were half to half the world by the ears and he

Upon my party, I’d revolt to make

Only my wars with him: he is a bull

That I am proud to hunt.

 

**Eric Abetz**

Then, worthier Hockey,

Venture forth with The Pope to these wars.

 

**The Pope**

It is your covenant since you were too much of

A pansy to become a priest.

 

**Tony Hockey**

Sir, it is;

And I am constant. John Howard, you

Shall see me once more strike at Malcolm’s face.

What, you're getting old? The roo's gone grey?

 

**John Howard**

No, Tony;

I’ll lean upon one crutch and fight with th’other,

Ere stay behind this business.

 

**Julie Bishop**

O, true-bred conservative patriarch!

 

**Eric Abetz**

Your company to the Capitol; where, I know,

Our greatest friends attend us.

[To The Pope] Lead you on.

 

[To the Citizens] From here to your homes; be gone!

 

**Tony Hockey**

Nay, let them follow:

The Liberals have much internet; Worshipful mutineers,

Your valor puts well forth: pray, follow.

_Citizens steal away. Exit all but Julia Gillard and Bill Shorten_

 

**Julia Gillard**

Was ever man so proud as is this Anthony?

 

**Bill Shorten**

He has no equal now you have dealt with Rudd.

 

**Julia Gillard**

When we were chosen union leaders for the people,—

 

**Bill Shorten**

Marked you his lip and eyes?

 

**Julia Gillard**

Nay, but his slogans.

 

**Bill Shorten**

Being moved, he will not spare to gird God.

 

**Julia Gillard**

We need not a priest for Prime Minister,

Move forward Australia must.

 

**Bill Shorten**

The present wars devour him: he is grown

Too proud to be so valiant.

 

**Julia Gillard**

Such a nature,

Tickled with good success, disdains the shadow

Which he treads on at noon: but I do wonder if

His insolence can brook to be commanded

Under the Pope.

 

**Bill Shorten**

Fame, at which he aims,

And in which already he’s well graced, can not

Better be held nor more attained than by

A place below the first: for what miscarries

Shall be the general’s fault, though he perform

To the utmost of a man, and distant crowds

Will then cry out of Tony as if he

Had borne the business!’

 

**Julia Gillard**

Besides, if things go well,

Opinion that so sticks on Hockey shall

Of his merits rob the Pope.

 

**Bill Shorten**

Come:

Half all The Pope’ honors are to Hockey.

though Hockey earned them not, and all his faults

To Hockey shall be honors, though indeed

In aught he merit not.

 

_Exit_

 

**SCENE II. Abbott Town. The Parliament.**

  _Enter Malcolm Turnbull and certain Senators_

 

**Eric Abetz**

So, your opinion is, Turnbull,

That they of Canberra have read a cabinet leak

In the paper and thus know how we proceed.

 

**Turnbull**

Is it not yours?

What ever have been thought on in this cabinet,

That could be brought to bodily act before the 

press had circumvention? ’Twas not four days gone

Since I heard from there; here are the words: I think

I have the letter here; yes, here it is. 

_Reads_

‘They have pressed a power, but its purpose

and direction is not known: the data scarcity is great;

The people mutinous; and it is rumored,

The Pope and Anthony your old enemy,

Who is of Canberra worse hated than of you,

And John Howard, a most valiant Ex-PM,

These three lead on this preparation: consider of it.

 

**Eric Abetz**

Our army’s in the field

We never yet doubted that Canberra was ready

To answer us.

  

**Turnbull**

O, doubt not that;

I speak from certainties derived from a suppository of wisdom.

Nay, moreover, some parcels of their power are forth already,

And we will receive them soon enough. I leave your honors.

If Tony Hockey and I chance to meet,

’Tis sworn between us we shall ever strike

Till one can do no more.

 

**All**

The Lord assist you!

 

**Turnbull**

And keep your votes safe!

 

**Eric Abetz**

Farewell.

 

 

_Exit_

 

**SCENE III. Canberra. A room in Hockey’ house.**

_Enter Bronwyn Bishop (MENTOR of Tony Hockey) and Joe Hockey (HUSBAND of Tony Hockey) they sit down on two low stools and sew._

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

I pray you, treasurer, sing; or express yourself in a

more comfortable manner: if Tony were my husband, I

should freelier rejoice in that absence wherein he

won honor than in the confines of his cabinet where

he would show most love. When he was but

tender-bodied and the only son of my womb, when

youth with comeliness plucked all votes his way, when

for a day of the Queen’s entreaties a mentor should not

leave him an hour in the car, I, considering

how honor would become such a person, that it was

no better than picture-like to hang by the wall, if

renown made it not stir, was pleased to let him seek

danger where he was like to find fame. To a cruel

election I sent him; from where he returned, his brows

flushed with victory. I tell you, treasurer, I sprang not

more in joy at first hearing he was a politician

than now in first seeing he had proved himself a

man.

 

**Joe Hockey**

But had he died in the business of an election, madam;

how then?

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

Then his good report should have been my apprentice; I

therein would have found issue. Hear me profess

sincerely: had I a dozen apprentices, each in my love

alike and none less dear than your and my good

Hockey, I'd rather had eleven die nobly for their

party than one voluptuously on the dole and out of action.

 

_Enter Pauline Hanson (Gentlewoman)_

**Pauline Hanson**

Madam, the Lady Christopher Pyne is come to visit you.

 

**Joe Hockey**

Please, give me leave to rest and retire.

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

Indeed, you shall not.

I hear approaching your husband’s drum, 

See him pluck Turnbull down by the hair,

As candy from a child, the Liberals shunning him:

I see him stamp thus, and call thus:

‘Come on, you cowards! you were got in fear,

though you were born in Canberra:’ his bloody brow

Wiped with his strong hand, forth he goes,

Like to a harvest-man that’s task’d to mow down

Anything that resembles a World Heritage Site

Or else lose his hire.

 

**Joe Hockey**

His bloody brow! O Jesus Christ, no blood!

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

Away, you fool! it more becomes a man

Than show his trophy: the breasts of Penelope,

When she did suckle Alexander, look’d not lovelier

Than Alexander's forehead when it spit forth blood

At Grecian artillery, contemning. Tell Chistopher Pyne,

We are fit to bid his welcome.

_Exit Pauline Hanson_

 

**Joe Hockey**

Heavens bless my lord from fell Turnbull!

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

He’ll beat Turnbull ‘head below his knee

And tread upon his neck.

 

_Enter Christopher Pyne (friend of JOE Hockey), with Tony Smith (an Usher) and Pauline Hanson (Gentlewoman)_

**Chistopher Pyne**

My ladies, G'day to you both.

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

Sweet Pyne.

 

**Joe Hockey**

I am glad to see your Pyneship.

 

**Chistopher Pyne**

How do you both? You are manifest house-keepers.

What are you sewing here? A pair of speedos, in good

faith. How does your little son?

 

**Joe Hockey**

I thank your ladyship; well, good madam.

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

He had rather see the guns, and hear a drum, than

look upon his teachers after Gonski.

 

**Chistopher Pyne**

O’ my word, the father’s son: I’ll swear,’tis a

very pretty boy. O’ my faith, I looked upon him on a

Wednesday some weeks ago: has such a

confirmed countenance. I saw him run after a gilded

butterfly: and when he caught it, he let it go

again; and after it again; and over and over he

comes, and again; caught it again; or whether his

fall enraged him, or how ’twas, he did so set his

teeth and tear it; O, I warrant it, how he stalked

it! And he kept calling out "Stop the butterflies!"

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

One on his father’s moods.

 

**Chistopher Pyne**

Indeed, ’tis a noble child.

 

**Joe Hockey**

I would rest, madam.

 

**Chistopher Pyne**

Come, lay aside your stitchery; I must have you play

the idle househusband with me this afternoon.

 

**Joe Hockey**

No, good madam; I will not go out of doors.

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

She shall, she shall.

 

**Joe Hockey**

Indeed, no, by your patience; I’ll not over the

threshold till my lord Hockey return from the wars.

I will wish her speedy strength, and visit her with

my prayers; but I cannot go thither.

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

Why, I pray you?

 

**Joe Hockey**

’Tis not to save labor, nor that I want love.

No, good Pyne, pardon me; indeed, I will not forth.

 

**Chistopher Pyne**

Go with me; and I’ll tell you

excellent news of your husband.

 

**Joe Hockey**

O, good Pyne, there can be none yet.

 

**Chistopher Pyne**

In earnest, it’s true; I heard Rupert Murdock speak it.

Thus it is: the Liberals have an army forth; against

whom The Pope is gone, with one part of

our military power: your lord and John Howard are set

down before their electorate Abbott; they nothing doubt

prevailing and to make it brief wars. This is true,

on mine honor; and so, I pray, go with us.

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

Let her alone, Pyne: as Joe is now, she will but

disease our better merriment.

 

**Chistopher Pyne**

In truth, I think she would. Fare you well, then.

Come, good sweet lady. Pray you, Joe Hockey, turn your

solemness out o’ door. and go along with us.

 

**Joe Hockey**

The short answer is no, Pyne; indeed, I must not. I wish

you much mirth.

 

**Chistopher Pyne**

Well, then, farewell.

 

_Exit_

 

**SCENE IV. Before Abbott Town.**

_Enter, with drum and colors, Tony Hockey, John Howard, Captains and Soldiers. To them a Messenger_

 

**Tony Hockey**

Here comes news. A wager they have met.

 

**Howard**

My beach house to yours, no.

 

**Tony Hockey**

’Tis done.

 

**Howard**

Agreed.

 

**Tony Hockey**

Say, has our general met the enemy?

 

**Messenger**

They lie in view; but have not spoke as yet.

 

**Howard**

So, the good house is mine.

 

**Tony Hockey**

I’ll buy him off you.

 

**Howard**

No, I’ll nor sell nor give him: lend you him I will

For half a hundred years like it was a port. Summon the town.

 

**Tony Hockey**

How far off lie these armies?

 

**Messenger**

Within this click and half.

 

**Tony Hockey**

Then shall we hear their alarm, and they ours.

Now, Mary mother of Jesus, I pray to you, make us quick in work,

That we with smoking guns may march from from here,

To help our fielded friends! Come, blow your load. 

_They sound a parley. Enter two Senators with others on the walls._

Malcolm Turnbull, is he within your walls?

 

**Eric Abetz**

No, nor a man that fears you more than he,

That’s more than a little.

_Alarm afar off_

 Listen you lot. Over there!

There is Turnbull; regard, what devilry he makes

Amongst your divided army.

 

**Tony Hockey**

O, they are at it!

 

**Howard**

Their noise be our instruction. Ladders, ho!

_Enter the Liberal backbenchers_

 

**Tony Hockey**

They fear us not, so

Now put your riot shields before your hearts, and fight

With hearts more proof than shields. Advance,

brave John Howard:

They do disdain us much beyond our thoughts,

Which makes me sweat with wrath. Come on, my fellows:

He that retires I’ll take him for a boatperson,

And he shall feel mine lead.

_Alarm. The Canberrans are beat back to their trenches. Re-enter Tony Hockey cursing_

 

**Tony Hockey**

All the contagion of the south, pox on your house,

You shames of Canberra! you herd of—Boils and plagues

Plaster you over, that you may be abhorred

More than seen and one infect another

Against the wind a mile! You souls of women,

That bear the shapes of men, how have you run

From slaves that apes would beat! Hellfire and damnation!

All hurt behind; backs red, and derrière smacked 

With flight and fevered fear! Stand and charge home,

Or, by the fires of heaven, I’ll leave the foe

And make my wars on you: look to it: come on;

If you’ll stand fast, we’ll beat them to their wives,

As they us if to our trenches followed.

_Another alarm. The Liberals retreat, and Hockey follows them to the gates_

So, now the gates are open: let us prove good support:

’Tis for the followers that fortune smiles,

Not for the fliers: mark me, and do the like.

_Tony Hockey enters the gates_

 

**First Soldier**

Fool-hardiness; not I.

 

**Second Soldier**

Nor I.

 

_Tony Hockey is shut in_

 

**First Soldier**

See, they have shut him in.

 

**All**

To the depths, I warrant him.

_Alarm continues_

_Re-enter John Howard_

 

**Howard**

What has become of Hockey?

 

**All**

Slain, sir, doubtless.

 

**First Soldier**

Following the fliers at the very heels,

He enters; and upon sudden closing

Clap of their gates: he is himself alone,

To answer all the city.

 

**Howard**

O noble fellow!

Who gaily outdares his guileless gun,

And, when his blood is spilled, stands up. 

You have left, Hockey:

A wound entire, as big as you art.

You were a soldier,

Even to Bush's wish, not fierce and terrible

Only in strokes; but, with your grim looks and

The thunder-like percussion of your slogans,

You madst your enemies shake, as if the world

Were feverous and did tremble.

_Re-enter Hockey, bleeding, assaulted by the enemy_

 

**First Soldier**

Look, sir.

 

**Howard**

Ho, ’tis Hockey!

Let’s fetch him off, or make remain alike.

_They fight, and all enter the city_

 

 **SCENE V. Abbott. A street.**  

_Enter certain Canberran Soldiers (Cory Bernardi, Ian Macdonald and Angus Taylor), with spoils_

 

**Cory Bernardi**

This will I carry to Canberra.

 

**Ian MacDonald**

And I this.

 

**Angus Tayler**

A blight on it! I took this for silver.

 

_Alarm continues far off_

_Enter Hockey and John Howard with a trumpet_

 

**Hockey**

Watch these that do prize their hours as they 

can shuffle them into pockets! Cushions, silver sporks,

Irons of the housewives of Australia, phones that any

other would bury with those that used them, these base minimum wage workers,

Before the fight be done, pack up: down with them!

Listen, what noise the Bull makes! To him!

There is the man of my soul’s hate, Turnbull,

Piercing our Canberrans: valiant Howard, take

Convenient numbers to make good the city;

Whilst I, with those that have the spirit, will haste

To help The Pope.

 

**Howard**

Good sir, you bleed;

Your exercise has been too violent for

A second course of fight.

 

**Hockey**

Sir, praise me not;

My work has yet not warmed me nor mine speedos:

The blood I drop is rather distracting

Than dangerous to me: to Turnbull thus

I will appear, and fight.

 

**Howard**

Now the fair saint, Virgin Mary,

Fall deep in love with you; and her great charms

Misguide your opposers’ guns! Bold gentleman,

Prosperity be your page at every stage!

 

_Exit Hockey_

 

Go, sound your trumpet in the ABC;

Call thus all the officers of the town,

Where they shall know our platform: away!

_Exit_

 

 **SCENE VI. Near the camp of The Pope.**  

_Enter The Pope, snatching out a smoko, with soldiers_

 

**The Pope**

Breathe you, my friends: well fought;

we are come off Like Canberrans,

Neither foolish in our stands,

Nor cowardly in retire.

 

Who’s over there,

That does appear as he were flayed? O God

He has the stamp of Hockey; and I have

Before-times seen him thus.

 

**Hockey**

[Within] Come I too late?

 

**The Pope**

The choir knows not an alto from a tenor

More than I know the sound of Hockey’ tongue

From every meaner man.

 

 _Enter Hockey_  

**Hockey**

Come I too late?

 

**The Pope**

Ay, if you come not in the blood of others,

But mantled in your own.

 

**Hockey**

Oh, let me grasp ye

In arms as sound as when I woohoo’d, in heart

As merry as when my nuptial day was done,

With Joe Hockey, my husband!

 

**The Pope**

Flower of warriors,

How is it with John Howard?

 

**Hockey**

As with a man busied about decrees:

Condemning some to death, and some to the Tampa;

Ransoming him, or pitying, threatening the other;

Holding Abbott Town in the name of Canberra,

As a devilish dingo in the leash,

To let him slip at will.

  

**The Pope**

How did you survive?

 

**Hockey**

Will the time serve to tell? I do not think so.

Where is the enemy? Do you control the field?

If not, why stop you before you are so?

 

**The Pope**

Hockey,

We have at disadvantage fought and did

Retire to win our purpose.

 

**Hockey**

How lies their battle? know you on which side

They have placed their men of trust?

 

**The Pope**

As I guess, Hockey,

To the left are the Liberal frontbenchers,

Of their best trust; standing over them, Turnbull,

Their very heart of hope.

 

**Hockey**

I do implore you,

By all the battles wherein we have fought,

By the blood we have shed together, by the vows

We have made to endure friends, that you directly

Set me against Turnbull and his front;

And that you not delay the present, but,

Filling the air with guns advanced and bullets,

We prove this very hour.

 

**The Pope**

though I could wish

You were conducted to a gentle bath

And balms applied to, you, yet dare I never

Deny your asking: take your choice of those

That best can aid your action.

 

**Hockey**

Those are they

That most are willing. If any such be here—

As it were sin to doubt—that love this painting

Wherein you see me smeared; if any fear

Less his person than a wave of humanity;

If any think their life outweighs foreign death

And that his country’s dearer than himself;

Let him alone, or so many so minded,

Salute, to express his disposition,

And follow Hockey, the big, scary man.

_They all shout "Stop the boats" and wave their guns, take him up in their arms, and cast up their arms in salute._

 

  **** _Exit_

  

 **SCENE VIII. A field of battle.**  

_Alarm as in battle. Enter, from opposite sides, Tony HOCKEY and  Malcolm TURNBULL_

 

**Hockey**

I’ll fight with none but you; for I do hate you

Worse than a marble table.

 

**Turnbull**

We hate alike:

There is no policy I abhor

More than your fame and envy. Fix your foot.

 

**Hockey**

Let the first budger die the other’s taxpayer,

And the Lord doom him after!

 

**Turnbull**

If I fly, Hockey,

Beat me like an Asylum Seeker.

 

**Hockey**

Within these three hours, Malcolm,

Alone I fought in your Abbott walls,

And made what work I pleased: ’tis not my blood

Wherein you see me mask’d; for your revenge

Wrench up your power to the highest.

 

**Turnbull**

Were you Robert Menzies

That was the whip of the accursed Labor party,

You should not escape me here.

_They fight, and certain Liberals come to the aid of Turnbull. Hockey fights till they be driven back breathless_

_Exit_

 

**SCENE IX. The Canberran camp.**

_Flourish. Alarm. A retreat is sounded. Flourish. Enter, from one side, The Pope with the Canberrans; from the other side, Hockey, with his arm in a scarf._ _A long flourish. They all cry ‘Hockey! Hockey!’ cast up their caps and signs: The Pope and Howard stand bare._

 

**Tony Hockey**

May these same instruments, which you profane,

Sound no more! when drums and trumpets shall

In the field prove flatterers, let courts and cities be

Made all of false-faced soothing!

No more, I say! For that I have not washed

My nose that bled, or deflowered some wretch.—

Which, is a man’s absolute right to demand,—

You shout me forth

In hyperbolical acclamations;

As if our duty should be dieted

With praises sauced in lies.

 

**The Pope**

Too modest are you;

Crueler to your good report than grateful to

Us that give it truly: by the Lord’s will,

If against yourself you be incensed, we’ll put you,

Like one that means his own harm, in straightjacket,

Then reason safely with you. Therefore, be it known,

As to us, to all the world, that Tony Hockey

Wears this war’s success. In token of which,

I give him my noble Volkswagen, known to the camp,

With all its trim deco; and from this time,

For what he did before Abbott Town, call him,

With all the applause and clamour you can summon,

the Warrior of Abbott Town! Bear

This addition nobly forevermore!

_Flourish. Trumpets sound, and drums_

 

**All**

Tony Abbott!

 

**Tony Abbott**

I will go wash;

And when my face is fair, you shall perceive

Whether I blush or no: howbeit, I thank you.

I mean to be your servant, and at all times

To undercrest your good addition

To the fairness of my power.

 

**The Pope**

So, to our tent;

Where, before we do rest, we will write

To Canberra of our success. You, John Howard,

Must stay and hold Abbott: send us to Canberra

With those whom we may articulate,

For their own good and ours.

_Exit_

 

**SCENE X. The camp of the Liberals.**

_A flourish. Cornets. Enter Malcolm Turnbull, bloody, with two or three Soldiers_

 

**Turnbull**

The town is taken!

 

**First Soldier**

’Twill be delivered back on good condition for we have developed a very particular set of skills. Skills we have acquired over a very long political career. Skills that make us a political nightmare for someone like Tony Hockey. If they let our city go soon that’ll be the end of it. We will not look for him, We will not find him, but if he doesn’t. We will look for him, We will find him and We will kill him. 

 

**Turnbull**

Condition!

I would I were a Canberran; for it cannot,

Being a Liberal, be that I am. Condition!

What good condition can a treaty find

In the part that faces mercy? Five times, Hockey,

I have fought with you: so often have you beat me,

And would do so, I think, should we encounter

As often as we eat. By the Lord,

If ever again I meet him beard to beard,

He’s mine, or I am his: my survival

Has no longer that honor that it once had; for where

I thought to crush him in an equal force,

bullet for bullet, I’ll poach at him some way:

Wrath or craft may yet get him.

 

**First Soldier**

He’s the devil.

 

**Turnbull**

Bolder, though not so subtle.

My valor’s poisoned even only suffering his stain. 

Neither sleep nor sanctuary,

Being naked, sick, or bereaved nor    

The prayers of priests nor times of sacrifice,

Or maternal Furies shall lift up 

Their rotten privilege and custom against

My hate to Hockey: where I find him, were it

At home, upon my brother’s guard, even there,

Against the laws of hospitality, would I

Wash my fierce hand in his heart. Go you to the city;

Learn how ’tis held.

_Exit_


	2. Tony Abbott for Prime Minister

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Act II is intense and full of plotting. Bronwyn Bishop endeavors to help Tony Abbott up to the top but Bill Shorten and Julia Gillard are doing everything in their power to stop her. This conflict can only be resolved by the people and thus Tony Abbott must win their love. Find out if Tony Abbott can charm his way up to the Prime Ministership for any amount of time in this Act!

**Disclaimers:**

This is intended to be a humorous work and should not be taken seriously. No effort has been made to ensure that the various persons that appear in this play are portrayed accurately. 

Furthermore: Shakespeare’s play: « Coriolanus » is in the public domain and is not owned by myself. While much of the text is directly copied from the play, many parts of it are modified.

« Taken », J.K Rowling’s « Harry Potter » and other quoted or paraphrased works are owned by other people. No profit is being made by this work.

**ACT II**

**SCENE I. Canberra. A public place.**

 

_Enter Julie Bishop with two union leaders of the people, Julia Gillard and Bill Shorten._

 

**Julie Bishop**

We shall have news tonight.

 

**Shorten**

Good or bad?

 

**Julie Bishop**

Not according to the prayer of the people, for they

love not Hockey.

 

**Julia**

Nature teaches beasts to know their friends.

 

 

**Julie Bishop**

In what vice is Hockey equipped with, that you two

have not in abundance?

 

**Shorten**

He’s poor in no one fault, but stored with all.

 

**Julia**

Especially in pride.

 

**Shorten**

And topping all others in boasting about stopping the boats.

 

**Julie Bishop**

You blame Hockey for being proud?

 

**Shorten**

We do it not alone, sir.

 

**Julie Bishop**

I know you can do very little alone; for your helps

are many, or else your actions would become feeble

and rare: your abilities are too infant-like for

doing much alone. You talk of pride: O that you

could turn your eyes inwards, and make

But an interior survey of your good selves!

O that you could!

 

**Shorten**

What then, sir?

 

**Julie Bishop**

Why, then you should discover a pair of unmeriting,

Proud, vicious, testy politicians, aka fools, as

Any in Canberra.

 

**Julia**

Julie Bishop, you are known quite well too.

 

**Julie Bishop**

I am known to be a humorous minister, and one that

Loves a swig of the 4X with not a drop of allaying

Water in’t; said to be something imperfect in being

A lawyer in the past, prone to posting on twitter like 

A twitting teenager; one that converses more

with the ass of the night than with the face

of the morning: what I think I utter, and spend my

malice in my breath. Meeting two such public servants as

you are—I cannot call you politicians if the word

is hold even the hint of leadership, I make a

crooked face at the smell of you. I can’t say your worships have

delivered any matter well, when I find verbal diarrhea on 

the floor with the better part of your syllables: and

though I must be content to bear with those that say

you are reverend good men, yet they lie deadly that

they say you you have good faces. If you see this in

the map of the microcosm, my face, it follows that I am known

well enough too? What can your diddly, widdily 

conspectuities glean out of this character, if I be

known well enough too?

 

**Shorten**

Come, sir, come, we know you well enough.

 

**Julie Bishop**

You know neither me, yourselves nor anything. 

You are ambitious for the praise and genuflections 

of wind farms and can wear out a good wholesome 

forenoon in hearing a cause between a check-out 

chick and a toilet cleaner;

and then adjourn the controversy of three cents to a

another day of court. When you are hearing a

matter between parties, if you chance to feel something

that vaguely offends you, you make faces like

mimes; prolong the matter till patience cries out; 

and, in roaring for a toilet break, dismiss the 

controversy which be only more inflamed

by your hearing and all the peace you make in their

cause is calling both the parties tossers. You are

a pair of strange ones.

 

**Shorten**

Come, come, you are well understood to be a

female quota for the television than a necessary bencher

of the front bench.

 

**Julie Bishop**

Our very priests must become mockers, if they shall

encounter such ridiculous citizens as you are. When

you speak best, it is not worth the appearing in a news ticker; 

And your beards deserve not so honorable a grave 

As to stuff the sleeping bags of homeless, 

Or even to be recycled as sand paper.

Yet you cannot help but bleat, Hockey is proud;

who at a cheap estimation, is worth all his predecessors

since Barton, though perhaps some of the

best of ‘em were but hereditary hangmen. Goood evenen’ to

your worships: more of your conversation would

infect my brain: I will be so bold to take my leave of you.

 

 _Shorten and Julia go aside_  

_Enter Bronwyn Bishop, Joe Hockey, and Christopher Pyne_

 

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

Honorable Julie Bishop, my boy Hockey approaches; for

the love of travel allowances, let’s go.

 

**Julie Bishop**

Ha! Hockey coming home!

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

Ay, worthier Julie Bishop; and with most prosperous

victory to boot.

 

**Julie Bishop**

Cross my heart, Jesus Christ, I thank you. Yeah!

Hockey coming home!

  

**Bronwyn Bishop**

Look, here’s a email from him: the state has

another, his wife another; and, I think, there’s one

at home for you.

 

**Julie Bishop**

He remembered me! I shall make my house real this night

with a party. An email for me!

 

**Joe Hockey**

Yes, certain, there’s a email for you; I saw it.

 

**Julie Bishop**

A email for me! It will cause me an diagnostic of seven

years’ good health; in which time I will make a lip at

the GP and all copayments. The most sovereign prescription in

the private health system is to me worth naught but placebo,

And, this salvation-does it bring by its nature, more good news?

Is he not wounded? He is wont to come home wounded.

 

**Joe Hockey**

O, no, no, no.

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

O, he is wounded; I thank the Lord for it.

On his brows: Julie Bishop. His captain’s calls

on the field bring much glory.

 

**Julie Bishop**

Has he disciplined Turnbull soundly?

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

John Howard writes that they fought together, but

Turnbull got off with only a fine.

 

**Julie Bishop**

****Is the party room possessed of this intel?

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

Good ladies, let’s go. Yes, yes, yes; the party room

has emails from the general, wherein he gives my

Tony the whole name of the war: he has in this

action outdone his former deeds doubly.

 

**Julie Bishop**

In truth, there’s wondrous things spoke of him.

 

_To the union leaders_

God save you communists! Hockey is coming

home: he has more cause to be proud.

 

_Trumpets sound melodiously. Enter The Pope (the GENERAL), and John Howard (ex-PM); between them, Abbott (Tony Hockey), crowned with an oaken garland (the sign of knighthood); with Captains and Soldiers, and Rupert Murdoch (a herald)_

 

**Rupert Murdoch**

Know, Canberra, that all alone Hockey did fight

Within Abbott Town’s gates: where he has won,

With fame, a name to Tony Hockey; these

Men in honor follow: Abbott!

Welcome to Canberra, Abbott

you who are renowned of all the lands!

 

_Flourish_

 

**All**

Welcome to Canberra, renowned Abbott!

 

**Abbott**

No more of this; it does offend my heart:

Pray now, no more.

 

**The Pope**

Look, sir, your mentor!

 

**Abbott**

O,

You have, I know, petitioned the Lord

For my prosperity!

 

_Kneels_

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

Nay, my good soldier, up;

My gentle Hockey, worthier Tony, and

By deed-achieving honor newly named,—

What is it?—Abbott must I call you?—

But O, your wife, Joe, how will she deal with 

such a mouthful of a name!

  

**Julie Bishop**

Now, the Lord crown you!

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

I know not where to turn: O, welcome home:

And welcome, your holiness: and you’re welcome all.

 

**Julie Bishop**

A hundred yousand welcomes. I could weep

And I could laugh, I am light and heavy. Welcome. 

You are three that Canberra should dote on: yet,

We have some old crab-trees here at home that will not

Be grafted to your relish. Yet welcome, warriors:

We call a man but a man and

The faults of fools but folly.

 

**The Pope**

Ever right.

 

**Abbott**

[To Bronwyn Bishop and Joe Hockey] 

Your hand, and yours:

Ere in our own house I do shade my head,

The good politicians must be visited;

From whom I have received not only greetings,

But with them new honors.

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

I have lived

To see you live out mine every wish

And the buildings of my fancy: only

There’s one thing wanting, but I doubt not that

Our Canberra will bless you with it.

 

**Abbott**

Know, good mentor,

I had rather be their servant in my way,

Than sway with them in theirs.

 

**The Pope**

Let us as combine as one verse

in singing the national anthem.

 

**All (in song)**

While other nations of the globe,

Behold us from afar,

Tony rises to high renown and shine

Like our glorious southern star;

From English soil and Motherland

Tony Abbott does hail, 

Let all combine with heart and hand

To Advance Australia Fair.

In joyful strains then let us sing

Advance Australia Fair.

 

With Christ our head and cornerstone,

We'll build our Nation's might.

Whose way and truth and light alone

Can guide our path alright.

Our lives, a sacrifice of love

Reflect Almighty’s care.

With faces turned to heaven above

Advance Australia fair.

In joyful strains then let us sing

Advance Australia fair!

 

Should foreign for e’er sight our coast

Or dare a foot to land

We’ll rouse to arms like sires or you,

To guard our native land;

Our lord God then shall surely know, 

Through oceans roll between, 

Her sons in fair Australia’s land 

Still keep their courage been

In joyful strains then let us sing

Advance Australia Fair.

 

**The Pope**

Now onwards, to the Capitol!

 

_Flourish. Cornets. Exit in state, as before. Shorten and Julia come forward_

  

**Julia Gillard**

On the sudden news,

I warrant him Prime Minister.

 

**Bill Shorten**

I heard him swear,

Were he to stand for Prime Minister, never would he

Appear on the ABC or put on

The well-known vesture of humility, the tuxedo, 

Nor showing, as the manner is, his wounds

To the people, to beg their stinking breaths.

 

**Julia Gillard**

’Tis right.

 

**Bill Shorten**

It was his word: O, he would break it rather

Than hold it for chance of first prize to him,

And the desire of the flithy rich.

 

**Julia Gillard**

It shall be to him then as the common good wills,

A sure destruction.

 

**Bill Shorten**

So it must fall out

To him or our authorities. For an end,

We must suggest the people in what hatred

He still holds them; that if he could he would

Have made them mules, silenced their pleaders and

Taken their freedoms, holding them,

In human action and capacity,

Of no more soul nor fitness for the world

Than camels in Australian deserts, who have their value

Only in bearing burdens.

  

_Enter a Messenger_

**Bill Shorten**

What’s the matter?

 

**Messenger**

You are sent for by Parliament. ’Tis thought

That Hockey shall be Prime Minister:

I have seen the dumb men throng to see him and

The blind to hear him speak: matrons flung gloves,

Ladies and maids their scarfs and tissues,

Upon him as he passed: the nobles bended as if to

feel toes, and the commons made

A shower and thunder with their claps and shouts:

I never have seen the like.

 

**Bill Shorten**

Let’s to the Parliament;

And carry with us ears and eyes for the time,

But hearts for the event.

_Exit_

 

(This scene included a Harry Potter reference. I do not own Harry Potter. All rights belong to the rights holders.)

(This scene included lyrics from two versions of Advance Australia Fair, albeit slightly modified in order to fit the occasion. All rights belong to the holders.)

 

 **SCENE II. The same. The Capitol.**  

_Enter, with attendants before them, The Pope the Prime Minister, Julie Bishop, Abbott, Senators, Julia Gillard and Bill Shorten. The Senators take their places; the union leaders take their places by themselves. Abbott stands_

 

**Julie Bishop**

Having defeated  the Liberals and

sent for John Howard, it remains,

As the main point of this our after-meeting,

To gratify his noble service that

Has thus stood for his country: therefore,

please you,

Most reverend and grave elders, to acknowledge

The present Prime Minister, and last general

In our well-found successes, to report

A little of that worthier work perform’d

By Tony Hockey Abbott, whom

We met here both to thank and to remember

With honours like himself.

 

**Eric Abetz**

Speak, good Pope:

Leave nothing out for length, and make us think

Rather our state’s defective for requital

Than we to stretch it out.

_To the union leaders_

Masters of the people,

We do request your kindest ears, and after,

Your loving motion toward the common body,

To share what passes here.

 

**Julia Gillard**

We are convented

Upon a pleasing treaty, and have hearts

Inclinable to honor and advance

The theme of our assembly.

 

**Bill Shorten**

Which we shall be blest to do, if he does 

Remember a kinder value of the people than

He has previously prized them at.

 

**Julie Bishop**

He loves your people

But tie him not to be their bedfellow.

worthier The Pope, speak.

_Abbott offers to go away_

Nay, keep your place.

 

**Abbott**

Your honor’s pardon:

I had rather have my wounds to heal again

Than hear say how I got them.

 

**Bill Shorten**

Sir, I hope my words

Didn’t disconcert you.

 

**Abbott**

No, sir: yet often,

When blows have made me stay, I have fled from words.

You soothed not, therefore hurt not: but

your people,I love them as they weigh.

 

**Julie Bishop**

Pray now, sit down. 

_Exit_

 

**The Pope**

I shall lack voice: the deeds of Abbott

Should not be uttered feebly. It is held

That valour is the chiefest virtue, and

Most dignifies the haver: if it be so,

The man I speak of cannot in the world

Be singly counterpoised. At sixteen years,

When Mark Latham made a head for Canberra, he fought

Beyond the mark of others: John Howard

Then our Prime Minister, saw him fight,

When with his sexy chin he drove

The bristled lips before him: in the Prime Minister’s view

Slew three opposers: Lathem’s self he met,

And struck him on his knee: in that day’s feats,

When he might act the woman in the scene,

He proved best man in the field. For his last,

Before and in Abbott Town, he stopped the fliers;

And by his rare example made the coward

Turn terror into sport. His gun, death’s stamp.

He was a thing of blood, whose every motion

Was timed with dying cries: alone he enter’d

The mortal gate of the city, where he did

Run reeking o’er the lives of men, as if

‘Twere a perpetual spoil: and till we call’d

Both field and city ours, he never stood

To ease his breast with panting.

 

**Eric Abetz**

He cannot but with measure fit the honours

Which we devise him.

  

**Julie Bishop**

He’s right noble:

Let him be call’d for.

 

**Eric Abetz**

Call Abbott.

_Re-enter Abbott_

 

**Julie Bishop**

The Parliament, Abbott, is well pleased

To make you Prime Minister.

 

**Abbott**

I do owe them always

My life and services.

 

**Julie Bishop**

It then remains

That you are elected by the people.

 

**Abbott**

I do plead you,

Let me overleap that custom, for I cannot

Put on the tuxedo, conceal my speedos and supplicate 

Myself to them. For my wounds’ sake: please you

That I may pass this doing.

 

**Julie Bishop**

Put them not to it:

Pray you, go fit you to the custom and

Take to you, as your predecessors have,

Your honour with your form.

 

**Abbott**

It is a part

That I shall blush in acting, and might well

Be taken from the people.

 

**Julie Bishop**

Do not concern yourself with it.

We recommend to you, union leaders of the people,

Our purpose to them: and to our noble Prime Minister

Wish we all joy and honour.

 

**Senators**

To Abbott come all joy and honour!

_Flourish of cornets. Exit all but Julia and Shorten_

 

**Bill Shorten**

You see how he intends to use the people.

 

**Julia Gillard**

May they perceive his intent! He will require them,

To submit their voices and in doing so make a mockery

Of his request of the Parliament.

 

**Bill Shorten**

Come, we’ll warn them

Of the proceedings here: at the ABC ,

I know, they do wait for us.

 

_Exit_

**SCENE III. Canberra. Q & A Forum.**

_Enter Citizens._  

_Enter Abbott in a tuxedo of humility, with Julie Bishop._

 

**Sarah Hanson-Young**

Here he comes, and in the tuxedo of humility: watch his

behavior. Best not to stay together, but to

come by him where he stands, by ones, by twos, and

by threes in order to help the ABC fill its drama quota. 

_Exit Citizens_

 

**Julie Bishop**

O sir, you are not right: have you not known

The worthiest men have done’t?

 

**Abbott**

What must I say?

‘I Pray, sir’—Plague upon’t! I cannot bring

My tongue to such a pace:—‘Look, sir, my wounds!

I got them in my country’s service, when

Some certain of your brethren roar’d and ran

From the noise of our own drums.’

**Julie Bishop**

O me, the gods!

You must not speak of that: you must desire them

To think upon you.

 

**Abbott**

Think upon me! hang ‘em!

I would they would forget me, like the virtues

Which our divines lose by ‘em.

 

**Julie Bishop**

You’ll mar all:

I’ll leave you: pray you, speak to ‘em, I pray you,

In wholesome manner.

 

_Exit_

 

**Abbott**

Bid them wash their faces

And keep their teeth clean.

_Re-enter two of the Citizens_

So, here comes a brace.

_Enter Bob Day (Citizen)_

You know the cause, air, of my standing here. 

We must ditch the witch.

 

**Bob Day**

We do, sir; tell us what has brought you to’t.

 

**Abbott**

Mine own desert.

 

**Nick Xenophon**

Your own desert!

 

**Abbott**

Ay, but not mine own desire.

 

**Bob Day**

How not your own desire?

 

**Abbott**

No, sir,’twas never my desire yet to trouble the

poor with begging. 

 

**Bob Day**

You must think, if we give you any thing, we hope to

gain by you.

 

**Abbott**

Well then, I pray, your price o’ the Prime Ministership?

 

**Bob Day**

The price is to ask it kindly in the name of the Lord.

 

**Abbott**

Kindly! Sir, I pray, let me ha’t: I have wounds to

show you, which shall be yours in private. Your

good voice, sir; what say you?

 

**Nick Xenophon**

You shall ha’ it, worthy sir if you have room in your budget 

for the south.

 

**Abbott**

A match, sir. There’s in all two worthier voices

begged. I have your alms: adieu.

 

**Bob Day**

But this is something odd.

 

**Nick Xenophon**

An opportunity to give again would, well—but ’tis no matter.

 

_Exit the three Citizens_

_Re-enter two other Citizens_

 

**Abbott**

Pray you now, if it may stand with the tune of your

voices that I may be Prime Minister, I have here the

customary gown and I will axe the tax.

 

**Clive Palmer**

You have deserved nobly of your country, and you

have not deserved nobly.

 

**Abbott**

Your enigma?

 

**Clive Palmer**

You have been a scourge to her enemies, you have

been a rod to her friends; you have not indeed loved

the common people.

 

**Abbott**

You should account me the more virtuous that I have

not been common in my love. I will, sir, flatter my

sworn brother, the people, to earn a dearer

estimation of them; ’tis a condition they account

gentle: and since the wisdom of their choice is

rather to have my hat than my heart, I will practise

the insinuating nod and be off to them most

counterfeitly; that is, sir, I will counterfeit the

bewitchment of some popular man and give it

bountiful to the desirers. Therefore, implore you,

I may be Prime Minister.

 

**Ricky Muir**

We hope to find you our friend in building highways;

And therefore give you our voices heartily.

 

**Clive Palmer**

You have received many wounds for your country.

I remove that pesky carbon tax if you do a couple things

for me.

 

**Abbott**

I will not seal your knowledge with showing them. I

will make much of your voices, and so trouble you no further.

 

**Both Citizens**

The gods give you joy, sir, heartily!

 

_Exit_

 

**Abbott**

Most sweet voices!

Better it is to die, better to starve,

Than crave the hire which first we do deserve.

Why in this irritating tux should I stand here,

To beg of Jack and Jill, that do appear,

Their needless vouches? Custom calls me to it:

What custom wills, in all things should we do it,

The dust on antique time would lie unswept,

And mountainous error be too highly heapt

For truth to over-peer. Rather than fool it so,

Let the high office and the honor go

To one that would do thus. I am half through;

The one part suffer’d, the other will I do.

 

_Re-enter three Citizens more_

 

Here come more voices.

Your voices: for your voices I have fought;

Watched for your voices; for Your voices bear

Of wounds two dozen odd; battles thrice six

I have seen and heard of; for your voices have

Done many things, some less, some more your voices:

Indeed I would be Prime Minister.

 

**Jacqui Lambie**

He has done nobly by stopping the boats 

And cannot go without any honest man’s voice. 

 

**Cathy McGowan**

Therefore let him be Prime Minister: the gods give him joy,

and make him good friend to the people!

 

**All Citizens**

Amen, amen. God save you, noble Prime Minister!

 

_Exit citizens._

_Re-enter Julie Bishop, with Shorten and Julia_  

**Abbott**

Is this done?

 

**Julia**

The custom of request you have discharged:

The people do elect you, and are summoned

To meet at Parliament, upon your approbation.

  

**Abbott**

May I change these garments?

 

**Julia Gillard**

You may, sir.

 

**Abbott**

That I’ll straightly do; and, knowing myself again,

Repair to the party room-house.

 

**Julie Bishop**

I’ll keep you company. Will you come along?

 

**Bill Shorten**

We stay here for the people.

 

**Julia Gillard**

Fare you well.

_Exit Abbott and Julie Bishop_

He has it now, and by his looks I think he’s

warm at his heart. 

 

  _Re-enter Citizens_

My masters! have you chose this man?

 

**Bob Day**

We did vote for him.

 

**Bill Shorten**

We pray the gods he may deserve your loves.

 

**Nick Xenophon**

Amen, sir: to my poor unworthy notice,

He mock’d us when he begged our voices.

 

**Sarah Hanson-Young**

Certainly,

He flouted us downright

And refused to help the environment even when 

That would help him achieve most fame.

 

**Bob Day**

No,’tis his kind of speech: he did not mock us.

 

**Nick Xenophon**

All amongst us, save yourself, say that

He used us scornfully: he should have showed us

His marks of merit, wounds received for’s country

And offered more preference deals.

 

**Julia Gillard**

Why, so he did, I am sure.

 

**Citizens**

No, no; no man saw ‘em.

 

**Bill Shorten**

Could you not have told him

As you were lessoned, when he had no power,

But was a petty servant to the state,

He was your enemy, outspoken against

Your liberties and the charters that you bear

in the Commonwealth; and now, arriving at

A place of potency and sway of the state,

If he should still malignantly remain

Fast foe to the plebeii, your voices might

Be curses to yourselves? You should have said

That as his worthier deeds did claim no less

Than what he stood for, so his gracious nature

Would think upon you for your voices and

Translate his malice towards you into love,

Standing your friendly lord.

 

**Sarah Hanson-Young**

He’s not confirmed; we may deny him yet.

 

**Nick Xenophon**

And will deny him:

I’ll have five hundred voices of that sound.

 

**Sarah Hanson-Young**

I assemble the Green Army which will make the Earth 

Tremble with twice that and their friends voices.

 

**Bill Shorten**

Get you from here instantly, and tell those friends,

They have chose a Prime Minister that will from them take

Their liberties; make them of no more voice

Than dogs that are as often beat for barking

As therefore kept to do so.

 

**Julia Gillard**

Let them assemble,

And on a safer judgment all revoke

Your ignorant election; enforce his pride,

And his old hate unto you; besides, forget not

With what contempt he wore the humble tux,

How in his suit he scorned you; but your loves,

Thinking upon his services, took from you

The apprehension of his present portance,

Which most gibingly, ungravely, he did fashion

After the inveterate hate he bears you.

 

**Bill Shorten**

Lay

A fault on us, your union leaders; that we labored,

No impediment between, but that you must

Cast your election on him.

 

**Julia Gillard**

Say, you chose him

More after our commandment than as guided

By your own true affections, and that your minds,

Preoccupied with what you rather must do

Than what you should, made you against the grain

To voice him Prime Minister: lay the fault on us.

  ****

**Bill Shorten**

Say, you never had done it—

Harp on that still—but by our putting on;

And presently, when you have drawn your number,

Repair to the Capitol.

 

**All**

We will do so: almost all

Repent in their election.

 

_Exit_


	3. Trouble in Parliament

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Does the Prime Ministership call for Tony Abbott? Not if Julia Gillard and Bill Shorten can say anything about it. And being the representatives of the people perhaps they do. Yet Tony Abbott is resolute and ready to fight for power. Civil war seems a distinct possibility. Even the Pope is feeling a little partisan. All of this adds up to one conclusion: Trouble in Parliament.

**Disclaimers:**

This is intended to be a humorous work and should not be taken seriously. No effort has been made to ensure that the various persons that appear in this play are portrayed accurately. 

Furthermore: Shakespeare’s play: « Coriolanus » is in the public domain and is not owned by myself. While much of the text is directly copied from the play, many parts of it are modified.

 

**ACT III**

**Prelude to scene 1: Politicians in the Twittersphere.**

 

**@StopTheBoats**

Has @MalcolmTurnbull mobilized again?

 

**@HowardYou?**

He has, my lord, and it is that which 

Causes our swift composition. RT @StopTheBoats 

 

**@StopTheBoats**

@HowardYou?

This is why we should have stopped the liberals long ago

And thus retained our sovereign borders.

They now stand ready to make gains upon us again. 

Thousands of good, hardworking Canberrans have

Died in defense of out nation. #Remembrance.

 

**@PontifexItUp**

@StopTheBoats. Hoc est bellum. Si vis pacem, para bellum. 

#CathagoDelendaEst

 

**@StopTheBoats**

Pics of @MalcolmTurnbull anyone?

 

**@HowardYou?**

@StopTheBoats, Alack no pictures but 

On safe-guard he came to me; and did curse

Against the liberals, for they had so easily

Yielded the town: he has returned to Sydney.

 

**@StopTheBoats**

@HowardYou? Did he speak of me? 

 

**@HowardYou?**

@StopTheBoats He did, my lord.

 

**@StopTheBoats**

@HowardYou? How? what?

 

**@HowardYou?**

@StopTheBoats

How often he had met you, man to man;

That of all things upon the earth he hated

Your person most, that he would pawn his fortunes

To hopeless restitution, so he might

Be called your vanquisher.

 

**@StopTheBoats**

@HowardYou? At Sydney lives he?

 

**@HowardYou?**

@HowardYou? At Sydney.

 

**@StopTheBoats**

@HowardYou?

I wish I had a cause to seek him there,

To oppose his hatred fully. 

 

**SCENE I. Canberra. Churchill street.**

_Trumpets. Enter Abbott, Julie Bishop, all the wealthy, The Pope, John Howard, Julia Gillard, Bill Shorten, and other Senators._

 

**Abbott**

Behold, these are the union leaders of the people,

The tongues of the common mouth: I do despise them;

For they do prank authority by their presence,

Against all noble sufferance.

 

**Julia Gillard**

You shall not pass.

 

**Abbott**

Ha! what is that?

 

**Bill Shorten**

It will be dangerous to go on: no further.

 

**Abbott**

What makes this change?

 

**Julie Bishop**

The matter?

 

**The Pope**

Has he not passed the noble and the common?

 

**Bill Shorten**

Your holiness, no.

 

**Abbott**

Have I had children’s votes?

 

**Eric Abetz**

Unioners, give way; he goes to Q & A.

 

**Bill Shorten**

The people are incensed against him.

 

**Julia Gillard**

Stop,

Or all will fall in disarray.

 

**Abbott**

Are these not your herd?

Did they not vote for me? Is it so, that these voters

can claim to have voted one man in then

Yield that vote when the day is done?

Do they also claim teeth that whiten from falsehood? 

What are your offices?

You being their mouths, why not pulls in their fangs?

Have you not set them on?

 

**Julie Bishop**

Chillax, chillax.

 

**Abbott**

Their intention is simple: to curb the will of the patricians.

To suffer it, would be to live with such that cannot rule

Nor ever will be ruled.

 

**Bill Shorten**

Call it not a plot:

The people cry you mocked them, and of late,

When internet was given them gratis, you whined;

Scandaled the suppliers of the people, called them

Time-pleasers, flatterers, foes to nobleness and forced

them into a metadata retention scheme.

 

**Abbott**

Why, this was known before.

 

**Bill Shorten**

Not to them all.

 

**Abbott**

Have you informed them since then, eh?

 

**Bill Shorten**

Were I to try to do so or not makes little difference:

Word of mouth outruns short legs.  

 

**Abbott**

Yet you are like to do such business.

 

**Bill Shorten**

You only accuse the people of using their

Better Judgement. What should be wrong 

With that? I have heard many times in this

City, complaints of rashness on the behalf 

Of the people. Why do you cry out now?

 

**Abbott**

Why then should I be Prime Minister? By these clouds,

Let me deserve such as you, and make me

Your fellow tribune.

 

**Julia Gillard**

You show too much of that

For which the people stir: if you are to pass

You must find your way, which you have 

Strayed from, with a gentler spirit,

Or never be so noble as a Prime Minister.

 

**Julie Bishop**

Let’s be calm.

 

**The Pope**

The people are abused; set on. This tomfoolery

Becomes not Canberra, nor has Abbott

Deserved this dishonoring snub, laid falsely

In the plain way of his merit.

 

**Abbott**

Tell me of the internet!

This was my speech, and I will speak it again—

 

**Julie Bishop**

Not now, not now.

 

**Eric Abetz**

Not in this heat, sir, now. It is too hot for speeches.

 

**Abbott**

Now, as I live, I will. My nobler friends,

Forgive me, as for the mutable, 

Rank-scented many, let them regard me 

Because I do not flatter them. Thus by 

doing so they may truly see themselves. I say again,

In soothing them, we nourish against our government

The parasite of rebellion,the disease of sedition and the 

Cancer of insolence which we ourselves have

Spread amongst ourselves in our foolishness

By mingling them with us, the honoured few,

Who lack not virtue, no, nor power, but that

Which we have lost to infected beggars.

 

**Julie Bishop**

Enough, no more.

 

**Eric Abetz**

Silence, no more words.

 

**Abbott**

How! no more!

For my country I have shed my blood,

Not fearing outward force, so shall my lungs

Coin words till their decay against these measles,

Which we disdain. These very measles that we 

Sought to catch and now tatter us.

Their miserable life but ’tis a lifestyle choice

And if they covert any benefit greater than poverty 

Then they must leave such lifestyles behind and 

Assimilate to the Canberran economy.

 

**Bill Shorten**

You speak of the people,

As if you were a god to punish, not

A man of their infirmity.

 

**Julia Gillard**

‘Twere well

We let the people know of it..

 

**Julie Bishop**

What, what? His mood?

 

**Abbott**

Mood!

I know not a mood but my mind.

You claim that you are solidly behind me

But that is rendered ridiculous by the leaking 

Of feminine lunacy I see before me, Bishop.

 

**Julia Gillard**

It is a mind

That shall remain a poison where it is,

Not poison any further.

 

**Abbott**

Shall remain!

Hear you this Lord of the fields? Hear you

Her absolute ‘shall’?

 

**The Pope**

Let the peace of the Lord come unto to you

Tony Abbott and unto your spirit.

 

**Abbott**

‘Shall’!

O good but most unwise rich men! why,

Have you thus

Given Lucifer here leave to choose an officer,

That with her peremptory ‘shall,’ being but

The horn of the devil’s, is naught but a witch? 

If she have power

Then bow down before Lucy; if none, awake to

Your dangerous leniency. Ditch this witch, this

Malformed man who has the heart of a Ju-Liar.

If you are learned, be not as common fools;

If you are not, let them have cushions by you. 

They choose their representative,

And such a one as she, who puts her ‘shall,’

Her popular ‘shall’ against a better government

Than ever reigned in heaven. By the Virgin Mary!

It makes the Prime Ministers base: and my soul aches

To know how a woman got elected to a position of 

Authority. Was it by the basis of sex appeal that she was

Thus anointed? 

 

**The Pope**

Well, on to the ABC.

 

**Abbott**

Whoever gave that counsel, to give forth

The internet gratis, as ’tis used

Sometimes in other places,—

 

**Julie Bishop**

Well, well, no more of that.

 

**Abbott**

Where the people have held power,

They nourished disobedience, fed

The ruin of the state. They are a death cult.

 

**Bill Shorten**

Why, shall the people give

One that speaks thus their vote?

 

**Abbott**

I’ll give my reasons, worthier than their votes. 

They know the ‘net was not their reward, 

Resting well assured to never do service 

Of their own will:  having to be forced to the war;

Even when the arteries of the state were cut,

They wouldn’t rouse. This kind of service

Did not deserve internet gratis. Being in the war

Their mutinies and revolts, wherein they showed

Most valour, spoke not for them: the accusation

Which they have often made against the Parliament,

All cause unborn, could never be the motive

Of our generous donation. Well, what then?

How shall this boisterous multitude digest

The senate’s courtesy? Let deeds express

What’s like to be their words: ‘we did request it;

We are the greater unwashed poll, and in true fear

They gave us our demands.’ Thus we debase

The nature of our seats and make the rabble

Call our cares fears; which will in time

Break open the locks of the Parliament and bring in

The crows to peck the eagles.

 

**Julie Bishop**

Come, enough.

 

**Bill Shorten**

At least we’re not demophobes mate. 

 

**Abbott**

No, take more:

What may be sworn by, both divine and human,

Seal all that I say! This double worship,

Which one part does disdain with cause, the other

Insult without all reason, where gentry, title, wisdom,

Cannot conclude but by the referendum

Of general ignorance,—this double worship must omit

Real necessities, and give way the while

To unstable slightness: its aim so blocked,

it follows,

Nothing is done to purpose. Therefore, I implore you,—

At once pluck out

The multitudinous tongue; let them not lick

The power which is their poison: your dishonour

Mangles true judgment and bereaves the state

Of that integrity which should become’t, by

Not having the power to do the good it would.

The only good that could come of this in

Parliament is a double dissolution, and

Even that only if it dissolved the swill. 

 

**Bill Shorten**

He has said enough.

 

**Julia Gillard**

He has spoken like a politician, and shall answer

As politicians do at the common poll.

 

**Abbott**

You witch, despair overwhelm you!

What should the people do without these bloody union leaders?

On whom, their obedience fails

And not upon the noble state: in a rebellion,

Then were they chosen: in a better hour,

Let what was allowed to be said, be disallowed

And throw their power i’ the dust.

 

**Bill Shorten**

Manifest politics!

 

**Julia Gillard**

This a Prime Minister? No.

 

**Shorten**

The officers, ho!

Here

_Enter a Federal Officier_

Let him be apprehended.

 

**Julia Gillard**

Go, call the people:

_Exit Federal Officer_

in whose name I

Name you as a traitorous wrecker,

A foe to the public good: obey, I charge you,

And follow to your answer.

 

**Abbott**

Here, old goat!

 

 **Senators, & Co** 

We’ll surety him.

 

**The Pope**

Aged sir, hands off. I'm the Pope.

 

**Abbott**

Come here, red witch! or I shall shake your bones

Out of your garments.

 

**Julia Gillard**

Citizens assemble!

 

_Enter hoi polloi, with the Federal Officers_

 

**Julie Bishop**

On both sides more respect.

 

**Julia Gillard**

Here’s he that would take from you all your power.

 

**Bill Shorten**

Seize him, Federal Officers!

 

**Citizens**

Down with him! down with him!

 

 **Senators, & Citizens** 

Weapons, weapons, weapons!

 

_They all bustle about Abbott, crying_

 

‘union leaders!’ ‘Rich people!’ ‘Citizens!’ ‘What, ho!’

‘Gillard!’ ‘Shorten!’ ‘Abbott!’ ‘Citizens!’

‘Peace, peace, peace!’ ‘Stay, hold, peace!’

 

**Julie Bishop**

What is about to be? I am out of breath;

Confusion’s near; I cannot speak. You, union leaders

To the people! Abbott, patience!

Speak, good Julia.

 

**Julia Gillard**

Hear me, people; peace!

 

**Citizens**

Let’s hear our union representative: peace. Speak, speak, speak.

 

**Julia Gillard**

You are at point to lose your liberties:

Abbott would have all from you; Abbott,

Whom recently you named for Prime Minister.

 

**Julie Bishop**

Shut!

This is the way to kindle, not to quench.

 

**Eric Abetz**

This is what happens when gay marriage is enacted.

 

**Julia Gillard**

What is the city but the people?

 

**Citizens**

True,

The people are the city.

 

**Bill Shorten**

By the consent of all, we were established

The people’s representatives.

 

**Citizens**

You so remain.

 

**Julie Bishop**

And so are like to do.

 

**The Pope**

This rebellion against authority is the way to Sodom and Gomorrah 

 

**Julia Gillard**

This deserves death. This is worse than drug

smuggling in Indonesia.

 

**Bill Shorten**

Let us stand to our authority,

Or let us lose it. We do here pronounce,

Upon the part of the people, in whose power

We were elected theirs, Abbott is worthy

Of political death.

 

**Julia Gillard**

Therefore lay hold of him;

Bear him to the party spill, and from there

Into destruction cast him.

 

**Bill Shorten**

Officers, seize him!

 

**Citizens**

Yield, Abbott, yield!

 

**Julie Bishop**

Hear me one word;

implore you, union leaders, hear me but a word.

 

**Federal Officer**

Peace, peace!

 

**Julie Bishop**

[To Shorten] Be truly your

country’s friend,

And calmly proceed to what you would

Violently redress.

 

**Bill Shorten**

Sir,

What seems like prudent helps, can very poisonous

Where the disease is violent. One does not prescribe a

Light course of antibiotics for fatal disease. Lay hands upon him,

And bear him to the party room for a spill.

 

**Abbott**

No, I’ll die here.

 

_Abbott gets ready for a shirt-fronting._

 

There’s some among you have beheld me fighting:

Come, try upon yourselves what you have seen me.

 

**Julie Bishop**

That is not diplomacy! Union leaders, stand back.

 

**Bill Shorten**

Lay hands upon him. 

 

**The Pope**

Help him, help!

You that be noble; help him, young and old!

Let Jesus be in your heart as we stand for Abbott.

 

**Citizens**

Down with him, down with him!

  _In this mutiny, the union leaders, the Federal Officers, and the People, are beaten back_

 

**Julie Bishop**

Go, get you to your house; be gone, away!

Or all will be lost.

 

**Scott Morison**

Get you gone.

 

**The Pope**

Stand fast;

The Lord is with us in this spiritual warfare.

 

**Julie Bishop**

Shall it be put to that?

 

**The Pope**

Unless they wish to wage lawfare against us.

The freedom of religion is always passing in the 

Minds of heathen.

 

**Eric Abetz**

The Lord forbid!

I pray you, noble friend, head to your house;

Leave us to cure this cause. That would be too 

Much money diverted from hardworking businesses.

 

**Julie Bishop**

For ’tis a sore upon us,

You cannot tent yourself: be gone, implore you.

 

**The Pope**

The Vatican has the holiest lawyers who are

Much equipped in the arts of the law and 

Holy persuasion. They could make the 

Most barbarous sinner repent.

 

**Abbott**

I would they were barbarians—as they are,

though in Canberra littered—not Canberrans—as they are not,

though birthed in the porch of the Capitol—

 

**Julie Bishop**

Be gone;

Put not your worthy rage into your tongue;

One time will owe another.

 

**Abbott**

On fair ground

I could beat forty of them.

 

**The Pope**

I could myself venture into the ring with the 

Best of them; yea, the two union leaders:

But ’tis now odds beyond arithmetic;

And manhood is call’d foolery, when it stands

Against what is preordained. When the Lord

does will it so, the combat shall commence. And

The Lord whose rage doth rend as a tsunami unto 

small pacific islands, shall enlighten the people as

To their folly.

 

**Julie Bishop**

Pray you, be gone:

I’ll try whether my old wit be in request

With those that have but little: this must be patch’d

With cloth of any colour.

 

**The Pope**

Nay, come away.

 

_Exit Abbott, The Pope, and others_

 

**Gina Rinehart**

This man has marred his fortune. Mine on the other hand grows ever larger.

 

**Julie Bishop**

His nature is too noble for the world:

He would not flatter Jesus for his cross,

Or Zeus for’s power to thunder. His heart’s his mouth:

What his breast forges, that his tongue must vent;

And, being angry, does forget that ever

He heard the name of political death.

 

_A noise within_

 

Here’s goodly work!

 

**James Packer**

I would they were abed!

 

**Julie Bishop**

I would they were in Murray-Darling Basin! Oh the vengeance!

Could he not speak ‘em fair?

 

_Re-enter Bill Shorten and Julia Gillard, with the rabble_

 

**Julia Gillard**

Where is this dingo

That would depopulate the city and

Be every man himself?

 

**Julie Bishop**

You worthy union leaders,—

 

**Julia Gillard**

He shall be thrown to a party spill

With rigorous hands: he has resisted law,

And therefore law shall scorn him further trial

Than the severity of the public power

Which he so sets at nought.

 

**Sarah Hanson-Young**

He shall well know

The noble union leaders are the people’s mouths,

And we their hands.

 

**Citizens**

He shall, sure on’t.

 

**Julie Bishop**

Sir, sir,—

 

**Julia Gillard**

Peace!

 

**Julie Bishop**

Do not cry havoc, where you should but hunt

With modest warrant.

 

**Julia Gillard**

Sir, how is it that you

Have hope to make this rescue?

 

**Julie Bishop**

Hear me speak:

As I do know the Prime Minister’s worthiness,

So can I name his faults,—

 

**Julia Gillard**

Prime Minister! what Prime Minister?

 

**Julie Bishop**

The Prime Minister Abbott.

 

**Bill Shorten**

He Prime Minister!

 

**Citizens**

No, no, no, no, no.

 

**Julie Bishop**

If, by the union leaders’ leave, and yours, good people,

I may be heard, I would crave a word or two;

The which shall turn you to no further harm

Than so much loss of time.

 

**Julia Gillard**

Speak briefly then;

For we are peremptory to dispatch

This dingo traitor: to eject him from here

Were but one danger, and to keep him here

Our certain death: therefore it is decreed

He dies tonight.

 

**Julie Bishop**

Now the good God forbids

That our renowned Canberra, whose gratitude

Towards her deserved children is enrolled

In his good book, like an unnatural dam

Should now eat up her own!

 

**Julia Gillard**

He’s a disease that must be cut away.

 

**Julie Bishop**

O, he’s a limb that has but a disease;

Mortal, to cut it off; to cure it, easy.

What has he done to Canberra that’s worth death?

Killing our enemies, the blood he has lost—

Which, I dare vouch, is more than that he has,

By many an litre—he dropp’d it for his country;

And what is left, to lose it by his country,

Were to us all, that do’t and suffer it,

A brand to the end o’ the world.

 

**Julia Gillard**

Yet, can he temperately transport his virtues

As a warrior to those of a leader of state. Nay

 say I, for he seeks still to slay his enemies.

 

**Bill Shorten**

Indeed this dingo has learnt a taste for the blood 

Of the people and must be put down.

 

**Julie Bishop**

The service of the foot

Being once gangrened, is not then respected

For what before it was.

 

**Bill Shorten**

We’ll hear no more.

Pursue him to his house, and pluck him from there:

Lest his infection, being of catching nature,

Spread further.

 

**Julie Bishop**

One word more, one word.

Beloved. As he is beloved, beware lest parties break out,

And sack great Canberra with Canberrans.

 

**Bill Shorten**

If it were so,—

 

**Julia Gillard**

Of what do you talk?

Have we not had a taste of his obedience?

Our Federal officers beaten? Ourselves resisted? Come.

 

**Julie Bishop**

Consider this: he has been bred in the wars

Since he could load a gun, and is untrained

In elegant language; meal and bran together

He throws without distinction. Give me leave,

I’ll go to him, and undertake to bring him

Where he shall answer, by a lawful form,

In peace, to his utmost peril.

 

**Eric Abetz**

Noble union leaders,

It is the humane way: the other course

Will prove too bloody, and the end of it

Unknown to the beginning.

 

**Julia Gillard**

Noble Julie Bishop,

Be you then as the people’s officer.

Masters, lay down your weapons.

 

**Bill Shorten**

Go not home.

 

**Julia Gillard**

Meet at the ABC. We’ll attend you there:

Where, if you bring not Hockey, we’ll proceed

In our first way.

 

**Julie Bishop**

I’ll bring him to you.

_To the Senators_

Let me desire your company: he must come,

Or what is worst will follow.

 

**Eric Abetz**

Pray you, let’s to him.

 

_Exit_

 

**SCENE II. A room in Abbott’s house.**

 

_Enter Abbott with the rich (Gina Rinehart, James Packer)_

 

**Abbott**

Let them puff all about mine ears, present me

Death by chocolate or by kill of kangaroo,

Or make me face a party spill.

 

**Gina Rinehart**

You do the nobler.

 

**Abbott**

I muse my mentor

Does not approve me furthermore.

_Enter Bronwyn Bishop_

I talk of you:

Why did you wish me milder? would you have me

False to my nature? Rather say I play

The man I am.

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

O, sir, sir, sir,

I would have had you put your power well on,

Before you had worn it out.

 

**Abbott**

Let go.

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

You might have been enough the man you are,

With striving less to be so; lesser would have been

The thwartings of your dispositions, if

You had not shown them how ye were disposed

Ere they lack’d power to cross you.

 

**Abbott**

Let them hang.

 

**James Packer**

Ay, and burn too.

 

_Enter Julie Bishop and Senators_

 

**Julie Bishop**

Come, come, you have been too rough, something

too rough;

You must return and mend it.

 

**Eric Abetz**

There’s no remedy;

Unless, by not so doing, our good team Australia

Cleave in the midst, and perish.

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

Pray, be counselled:

I have a heart as little apt as yours,

But yet a brain that leads my use of anger

To better vantage.

 

**Abbott**

What must I do?

 

**Julie Bishop**

Return to the union leaders.

 

**Abbott**

Well, what then? what then?

 

**Julie Bishop**

Repent what you have spoke.

 

**Abbott**

For them! I cannot do it to God;

Must I then do’t to them?

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

You are too absolute;

though you can never be too noble,

But when extremities speak. I have heard you say,

Sometimes in the heat of discussion, that you go

A little but further then you would if it were an absolutely 

Calm, considered, scripted remark. That the statements,

That the only statements that need to be taken as absolutely as 

Gospel Truth are those carefully prepared and scripted remarks? 

Could it be that you went a little off the cuff and would do well

To rescind some of your potent wit?

 

**Abbott**

Tush, tush!

 

**Julie Bishop**

A good demand.

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

On all these things, although be it in the rule,

It doesn’t just look quite right and therefore 

While you won’t be resigning but you’ll be

Working very hard to make sure you mean 

Your apology to the Australian people and

You will be putting in all that hard work for

Your dear mentor.

 

**Abbott**

Why force you this?

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

Because that now it lies you on to speak

To the people; not by your own volition, 

Nor with unscripted remarks,

But with such words that are but rooted in

The Gospel, though but bastards and syllables

Of no allowance to your own truth.

Now, this no more dishonors you at all

Than to take in a electorate with gentle words,

Which else would put you to your fortune and

The hazard of much blood.

I would dissemble with my nature where

My fortunes and my friends at stake required.

I should do so in honor: I am in this with,

Your husband, your son, these senators, the nobles;

And you will rather show our voting louts

How you can frown than spend a dollar upon ‘em,

For the inheritance of their loves.

 

I pray now, my son,

Go to them, with this tax cut in your hand;

And claim no companion spending cut—here be with them—

your knee bussing the stones—for in such budgets

Action is eloquence, and the cameras of the ignorant

More attentive than their ears—bowing your head,

Weaseling your words, thus, concealing your stout heart.

Or say to them,

you are their warrior, and being bred in Bible

Have not the soft way which, you confess,

Was as fit for them to claim as you to give.

In asking their good loves, say you will but turn

It all around in the next six months.

 

**Julie Bishop**

With that alone, why, their hearts were yours;

For they have short memory and are wont to 

Forgive your words against them.

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

Pary you now,

Go, and be ruled: although I know you would

Rather be ruler. Here is The Pope.

 

_Enter The Pope_

 

**The Pope**

I have been to the ABC; and, would be best 

You go in force, or defend yourself

By absence: all’s in anger.

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

He must, and will go

Pray you now, say you will, and go about it.

 

_Abbott stands there blankly and nods._

 

**The Pope**

Come on, we’ll teleprompt you. How do

You think I remember all the homilies?

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

I pray you now, sweet son, as you hast said

My praises made you first a soldier, so,

To have my praise for this, perform a part

you hast not done before.

 

_Abbott continues to stand there blankly._

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

At your choice, then:

To beg of you, it is my more dishonor

Than you of them. Come all to ruin; let

your mentor rather feel your pride than fear

your dangerous stoutness, for I mock at death

With as big heart as you. Do as you list

your valiantness was mine, you suckled it from me,

But owe your pride yourself.

 

**Abbott**

Pray, be content:

mentor, I am going to the ABC;

Chide me no more. I’ll give them the response they deserve,

And come home beloved

Of all the trade unions in Canberra. Look, I am going:

Commend me to my Hockey. I’ll return Prime Minister;

Or never trust to what my tongue can do

I’ the way of flattery further.

 

**Bronwyn Bishop**

Do your will.

 

_Exit_

 

**The Pope**

Away! the union leaders do attend you: arm yourself

To answer mildly; for they are prepared

With accusations, as I hear, more strong

Than are upon you yet.

 

**Abbott**

The word is ‘mildly.’ Pray you, let us go:

Let them accuse me by invention, I

Will answer in mine honor.

 

**Julie Bishop**

Ay, but mildly.

 

**Abbott**

Well, mildly be it then. Mildly!

 

_Exit_

 

**SCENE III. The same. The Forum.**

 

_Enter Julia Gillard and Bill Shorten_

 

**Bill Shorten**

In this point then charge him home,

That he affects tyrannical power.

_Enter an Federal Officer_

What, has he come?

 

**Federal Officer**

He’s coming.

 

**Bill Shorten**

How accompanied?

 

**Federal Officer**

With old Julie Bishop, and those senators

That always favoured him.

 

**Julia Gillard**

Have you the electoral roll?

 

**Federal Officer**

I have; ’tis ready.

 

**Julia Gillard**

Have you ordered the parties to collect their voters?

 

**Federal Officer**

I have.

 

**Julia Gillard**

Assemble presently the people here;

And when they bear me say ‘It shall be so

In the right and strength of the commons,’ be it either

For death, for fine, or banishment, then let them

If I say fine, cry ‘Fine;’ if death, cry ‘Death.’

 

**Federal Officer**

I shall inform them.

 

**Bill Shorten**

And when such time they have begun to cry,

Let them not cease, but with a din confused

Enforce the immediate execution

Of what we chance to sentence.

 

**Federal Officer**

Very well.

 

**Julia Gillard**

Make them be strong and ready for this hint,

When we shall strive to give it to them.

 

**Bill Shorten**

Go about it.

_Exit Federal Officer_

 Put him to anger from the start: he has been used

Ever to conquer, and once drawn to counter he cannot

Be reined again to temperance; then he speaks

What’s in his heart; and that is there which looks

With us to break his neck.

 

**Julia**

Well, here he comes.

 

_Enter Abbott, Julie Bishop, and The Pope, with Senators and rich persons_

 

**Julie Bishop**

Calmly, I do implore you.

 

**Abbott**

_Aside_

Yes, as an uber driver, who for the poorest piece

Will bear hoi polloi by the volume. 

 

The honored God

Keep Canberra in safety, and the wigs of justice

Filled with worthy men! Plant love among us!

Fill our large temples with shows of peace,

And not our streets with war!

 

**Eric Abetz**

Amen, amen.

 

**Julie Bishop**

A noble wish.

 

_Re-enter Federal Officer, with Citizens_

 

**Julia**

All draw near.

 

**Federal Officer**

Listen to your union leaders. Peace, I say!

 

**Abbott**

First, hear me speak.

 

**Both union leaders**

Well, say. Peace!

 

**Abbott**

Face I double jeopardy,

Or can all be determined here?

 

**Julia**

If you submit you to the people,

Allow their officers their duty and are content

To suffer lawful censure for such faults

As shall be proved?

 

**Abbott**

I am content.

 

**Julie Bishop**

Citizens, he says he is content:

The warlike service he has done, consider; think

Of the wounds his body bears, which show

Like graves in the holy churchyard.

 

**Abbott**

Scratches with briers,

Scars to move laughter only.

 

**Julie Bishop**

Consider further,

That when he speaks not like a citizen,

You find him like a soldier: do not take

His rougher accents for malicious sounds,

But, as I say, such as become a soldier,

Rather than envy you.

 

**The Pope**

Well, well, no more.

 

**Abbott**

What is the matter

That being passed for Prime Minister with full voice,

I am so dishonoured that the very hour

You take it off again?

 

**Julia Gillard**

Answer to us.

 

**Abbott**

Say, then: ’tis true, I ought so.

 

**Julia Gillard**

We charge you, that you have contrived to take

From Canberra all democratic office and to wind

Yourself into a power tyrannical;

For which you are a traitor to the people.

 

**Abbott**

How! traitor!

 

**Julie Bishop**

Nay, temperately; your promise.

 

**Abbott**

The ninth circle of hell to the people!

Call me their traitor! You pandering pillock!

Within your eyes sat twenty thousand deaths,

In your hand clutched as many millions, in

your lying tongue both numbers, I would say

‘you lie’ unto you with a voice as free

As I do pray to God.

 

**Julia Gillard**

Mark you this, people?

 

**Citizens**

To the spill, to the spill motion with him!

 

**Julia Gillard**

Peace!

We need not put new matter to his charge:

What you have seen him do and heard him speak,

Beating your officers, cursing yourselves,

Opposing laws with strokes and defying here

Those whose great power must try him; even this,

So criminal and in such blatant kind,

Deserves the extremest spillage.

 

**Bill Shorten**

But since he has

Served well for Canberra,—

 

**Abbott**

What do you know of service?

 

**Bill Shorten**

I talk of what I know.

 

**Abbott**

You?

 

**Julie Bishop**

Is this the promise that you made your mentor?

 

**The Pope**

Know, I pray you,—

 

**Abbott**

I know no further:

Let them pronounce the death by party spill,

Vagabond exile, raying, pent to linger

But with a dollar a day, I would not buy

Their mercy at the price of one fair word;

Nor cheque my courage for what they can give,

To have it with saying ‘Good morrow.’

 

**Julia Gillard**

For that he has,

As much as in him lies, from time to time

Envied against the people, seeking means

To pluck away their power, as now at last

Given hostile strokes, and that not in the presence

Of dreaded justice, but on the ministers

That do distribute it; in the name o’ the people

And in the power of us the union leaders, we,

Even from this instant, banish him our city,

In peril of precipitation

From the party spill never more

To enter our Canberra gates: i’ the people’s name,

I say it shall be so.

 

**Citizens**

It shall be so, it shall be so; let him away:

He’s banish’d, and it shall be so.

 

**The Pope**

Hear me, my masters, and my common friends,—

 

**Julia Gillard**

He’s sentenced; no more hearing.

 

**Bill Shorten**

There’s no more to be said, but he is banish’d,

As enemy to the people and his country:

It shall be so.

 

**Citizens**

It shall be so, it shall be so.

 

**Abbott**

You common cry of curs! whose breath I hate

As reek o’ the rotten fens, whose loves I prize

As the dead carcasses of unburied men

That do corrupt my air, I banish you;

And here remain with your uncertainty!

Let every feeble rumour shake your hearts!

Your enemies, with nodding of their heads,

Fan you into despair! Have the power still

To banish your defenders to your own foes,

And thus deliver yourselves as most

Abated captives to some nation

That won you without blows! Despising,

For you, the city, thus I turn my back:

There is a world elsewhere.

 

_Exit Abbott, The Pope, Julie Bishop, Senators, and the rich_

 

**Federal Officer**

The people’s enemy is gone, is gone!

 

**Citizens**

Our enemy is banished! he is gone! Hoo! hoo!

_Shouting, and dancing happy jigs._

 

**Julia Gillard**

Go, see him out at gates, and follow him,

As he has followed you, with all despite;

Give him deserved vexation. Let a guard

Attend us through the city.

 

**Citizens**

Come, come; let’s see him out at gates; come.

The Lord preserve our noble union leaders! Come.

 

_Exit_


End file.
